How to Let Go of the Past
Why the Past Refuses to Stay in the Past
Many people say, “I want to move on.”
But their mind says otherwise.
A name still triggers emotion.
A memory still tightens the chest.
A past affair, love, or painful incident replays itself — uninvited.
This is not weakness.
It is how the human brain stores emotionally charged experiences.
In Love Forensic™, we do not ask, “Why can’t you forget?”
We ask, “What has not yet been processed?”
Forgetting Is Not Deleting — It Is Reorganising
The brain does not erase memories the way a computer deletes files.
It relabels them.
Unresolved emotional memories remain active because the nervous system still perceives them as relevant — either as:
- a threat,
- a loss,
- or an unfinished emotional loop.
That is why the goal is not to erase the past, but to neutralise its emotional charge.
You don’t need amnesia.
You need closure at a neurological level.
Why Past Love and Affairs Linger
Past love stays alive for four main reasons:
- Unfinished Emotional Business
Words never said. Apologies never received. Questions never answered.- Guilt or Shame
Especially after affairs or morally conflicting experiences.
The mind keeps replaying to “punish” or “correct” itself.
- Identity Attachment
The past relationship represented a version of yourself — youthful, desired, hopeful.
- Emotional Imprinting
Intense emotional experiences leave deep neural grooves.
- Guilt or Shame
These memories are not asking to be remembered —
they are asking to be resolved.
Why “Moving On” Fails as Advice
Telling someone to “move on” is like telling a wound to heal faster.
Healing does not respond to command.
It responds to safety, understanding, and time.
When people force themselves to forget, they often suppress — not release.
Suppression traps memory in the body, where it resurfaces as:
- anxiety,
- intrusive thoughts,
- emotional numbness,
- or comparison with new partners.
The Love Forensic™ Method: How to Truly Let Go
Here is the forensic framework for emotional release, step by step.
1. Name the Memory Precisely
Not “my past relationship”, but:
- “The betrayal in 2019”
- “The affair I regret”
- “The breakup that shattered my confidence”
Precision turns chaos into clarity.
2. Separate the Event from Your Identity
What happened to you
or what you did
is not who you are.
Memory becomes lighter when shame is removed from identity.
3. Process the Emotion, Not the Story
Stop replaying the narrative.
Focus instead on the emotion:
- grief,
- guilt,
- anger,
- longing.
Emotion processed is emotion released.
4. Complete the Unfinished Loop
Closure does not require the other person.
You can:
- write the letter you will never send,
- speak the truth you swallowed,
- forgive yourself before forgiving others.
Completion happens internally.
5. Reclaim the Lesson
Ask:
“What did this experience teach me about myself, my needs, and my boundaries?”
When the lesson is extracted, the memory loses power.
Why Some Memories Suddenly Fade
People are surprised when, after proper processing, a memory no longer triggers pain.
This is not forgetting.
This is neural reclassification.
The brain now tags the memory as:
“This is no longer a threat.”
Peace follows naturally.
Letting Go Does Not Mean Invalidating the Past
Your past love mattered.
Your past pain was real.
Letting go does not say:
“It didn’t matter.”
It says:
“It no longer controls me.”
When the Past Visits Again
Sometimes memories return — briefly.
This does not mean failure.
It means healing is ongoing.
When it happens:
- Observe without judgment
- Ground yourself in the present
- Remind your nervous system: “I am safe now.”
Dr. Ben’s Reflection
You do not move on by running away from the past.
You move on by standing still long enough to understand it.
When memory loses emotional weight, the future finally has space to enter.
Next in Love Forensic™ – Phase II
“Why the Mind Keeps Replaying Old Memories (And How to Stop It)”
Why do some thoughts return at night, in silence, or during calm moments?
Next Saturday, we explore intrusive memories, emotional flashbacks, and how to quiet the mind without force.
New Journey:
Release → Closure → Inner Freedom
Dr Benfadzil Mohd Salleh is a senior practitioner and educator in the fields of forensic psychology, hypnotherapy, and behavioural studies. He is also consultant and founder of Benfadzil Academy. The views expressed here are his own and do not necessarily reflect those of Sarawak Tribune. He can be reached at drbenfadzil@gmail.com.
