“I Love All My Children Equally”… But Do They Feel Equally Loved?
Mum always loved you more.
Dad was always prouder of him.
Whatever she did was right. Whatever I did was never enough.
Years may pass. The children grow up, build careers and have families of their own.
Yet somewhere inside, one question can remain: “Why wasn’t I loved like that?”
And somewhere else, a parent may be genuinely shocked: “But I loved all my children equally.”
Perhaps both are telling the truth.
Because loving equally and feeling equally loved are not always the same thing.
How Does It Happen?
Parents rarely wake up deciding to favour one child.
Sometimes one child is easier to communicate with.
One performs better academically.
Another needs more attention because of illness or difficulties.
One shares Dad’s interests.
Another naturally becomes close to Mum.
There may be perfectly understandable reasons.
But children do not analyse reasons.
They experience moments.
Who gets praised?
Who gets defended?
Who gets forgiven quickly?
Who gets compared?
And, perhaps most importantly:
Who seems to make Mum or Dad smile more?
These small moments can become powerful emotional memories.
“Why Can’t You Be More Like Your Sister?”
Parents may use comparison to motivate.
But the child may hear: “She is what you wanted. I am not.”
Repeated comparisons can quietly transform siblings into competitors.
One becomes the clever one.
Another the difficult one.
One the responsible one.
Another the disappointment.
Children can eventually begin living according to labels they never chose.
And years later, they may still be trying to prove those labels wrong.
The Favourite Child May Hurt Too
There is another side we rarely discuss.
Being the perceived favourite can also carry pressure.
The child may feel responsible for maintaining expectations, pleasing the parents or succeeding continuously.
Meanwhile, siblings may resent them for something they never asked for.
So favouritism—real or perceived—can wound more than one child.
The Love Forensic™ Question
Instead of asking: Did I love my children equally?
Try asking: “Did each of my children experience my love in a way they could recognise?”
That question changes everything.
Different children may need different expressions of love.
One needs encouragement.
Another needs conversation.
Another simply needs time.
Fairness does not always mean giving every child exactly the same thing.
It means making sure no child feels less valuable.
It Is Never Too Late
If your children are adults, you can still ask: “Was there ever a time you felt I treated you differently?”
Then do something difficult — Listen.
Do not immediately defend yourself.
You may disagree with their memory, but their feelings are still worth understanding.
Sometimes healing begins when a parent simply says: “I never realised you felt that way. I’m sorry you carried that alone.”
Dr. Ben’s Reflection
Children may forget many things we bought for them.
But they remember how we made them feel.
Every child wants to look into their parents’ eyes and know: “There is a place for me here. I matter. I am enough.”
If you have more than one child, perhaps tonight is worth asking yourself: Do they know I love them—or am I simply assuming they know?
Don’t leave love to assumption.
Say it. Show it. While you still can.
NEXT SATURDAY — ISSUE NO. 8
When Adult Children Drift Away — “Where Did My Child Go?”
You raised them.
Protected them.
Sacrificed for them.
Then one day, the calls became fewer. Visits became shorter. Conversations changed.
Is the child ungrateful?
Or is there a story the parent has never heard?
Next Saturday, Love Forensic™ investigates one of parenthood’s most painful questions: Why do some adult children emotionally distance themselves from the very people who raised them?
● Dr Benfadzil Mohd Salleh, Forensic Psychologist | Founder, Benfadzil Academy.
H/P: 0122350404, Email: drbenfadzil@gmail.com
The views expressed here are those of the writer and do not necessarily represent the views of Sarawak Tribune.
