Recently, we found ourselves discussing a rather interesting question over dinner with a bunch of friends: Can a person really change?
It was one of those conversations that started casually but somehow became surprisingly deep.
Some firmly believed that people will not change. This is because their personalities, beliefs and values are shaped from a young age, driven by their upbringing, experiences and the people around them. Once these have been internalised and become part of who they are, changing them can be almost impossible.
As the conversation developed, one friend put it rather simply: “You can’t change people. You can only change how you deal with them.”
Well, there is some truth in that.
I’m sure many of you have faced this too. How often have we argued with someone because we wanted them to see things our way? We explain, reason, persuade and sometimes even repeat ourselves countless times, hoping that somehow the other person will finally understand.
However, things don’t always go the way we wish. What if they simply don’t?
Hence, instead of constantly trying to change people, we should change the way we communicate with them and the way we perceive them.
Yet, despite the spiralling conversation we had, I still believe people can change over time. And I have seen it happen.
There was a particular friend of mine who was once quite close to me. Over the years, life took us in different directions, and we eventually lost touch for almost a decade.
When we crossed paths again, I was surprised by how different she seemed.
Her career had taken off. Her family life had changed. She appeared to be living at a completely different level from the person I remembered. Even the way she carried herself had changed. There was a stronger sense of status and authority in the way she spoke and presented herself.
Was she always like that and I simply did not notice? Or had life changed her? Perhaps it was a little of both.
And then there is another kind of change that happens much closer to home. You might have seen it in your parents, or even experienced it yourself with your partner.
Phrases like, “He was not like this when I first met him,” or “She has changed so much since we got married,” must have crossed your mind at some point in your life.
When you live with someone and see them every day, month after month and year after year, the changes can become quite obvious.
Someone who used to be carefree and always hang out with their friends becomes more cautious after having children. Or someone who was once impatient learns to be more understanding.
Certainly, not all change is positive. Some changes can be unpleasant too.
For instance, a person may become more distant, more demanding or more focused on work after marriage. Their priorities shift over time, and their circumstances change. The person their partner fell in love with years ago may no longer behave in exactly the same way today.
And that eventually creates an interesting communication challenge. When we say, “You have changed,” are we really saying, “I don’t recognise you anymore”?
In relationships, communication can easily become a record of the past.
“You always do this.”
“You never listen.”
“You were better before.”
These words may be based on genuine experiences, but they can also prevent us from seeing the person as they are today.
Hence, good communication is required, as we need to leave some room for people to evolve.
After all, life has a strange way of changing us. We are simply not the same people we were five, 10 or 20 years ago.
Some people change after reaching the peak of their lives, where success, authority and wealth define who they are. Others may change after hitting rock bottom.
Stories of people who once struggled with addiction, spent years in prison or made serious mistakes, only to eventually turn their lives around, are quite common nowadays. On the other hand, you may have heard stories of people rebuilding their careers, starting families, or even becoming the very people who help others avoid the mistakes they once made.
You see, their past does not disappear, but their future does not have to look like their past either. As the saying goes, “You can’t change the past, but you can rewrite your future.”
Maybe that is why I am hesitant to say that people cannot change. Indeed, people can change, but they will not change simply because someone else tells them to.
More often, change happens when life gives them a reason to change.
Sometimes it is through pain. Sometimes it is love. Sometimes it is responsibility. Or sometimes it is simply growing older and seeing life from a different perspective.
So, can a person change?
My take is yes. More importantly, I think the more difficult question is whether we are willing to recognise that change when it happens.
The views expressed here are those of the writer and do not necessarily represent the views of Sarawak Tribune. The writer can be reached at Shirley.suat@gmail.com.
