LOVE FORENSIC™ – PHASE VI, Issue No. 8
The Six Life Domains™
You carried them when they were small.
You worried when they were sick.
You sacrificed time, money and sleep so they could have a better future.
Then they grew up.
The phone calls became less frequent.
Visits became shorter.
Conversations became:
“I’m busy, Mum.”
“I’ll call you later, Dad.”
And sometimes, later never comes.
A parent sits quietly and wonders:
“What happened to the child who once couldn’t sleep without me?”
Few experiences in parenthood hurt quite like feeling forgotten by the person you spent years loving.
But before we call an adult child ungrateful, perhaps there is another question worth asking:
What happened between us that we have never talked about?
Distance does not always mean lack of love
Adult children have lives that parents do not always see.
- Careers.
- Marriage.
- Children.
- Bills.
- Responsibilities.
Their world becomes crowded.
Sometimes distance is simply life changing.
But sometimes it is emotional.
An adult child may carry memories of criticism, comparison, control or conversations in which they never felt heard.
The parent remembers:
I was only trying to guide you.
The child remembers:
“Nothing I did was ever good enough.”
Both may remember the same relationship differently.
Parents remember the sacrifice. children remember the experience.
This is one of the most difficult truths in family relationships.
Parents naturally remember what thy gave.
Children often remember how they felt.
A father may think:
“I worked every day for this family.”*
His daughter may think:
“I just wanted Dad to spend time with me.”*
A mother may remember protecting her son.
He may remember feeling controlled.
Neither memory necessarily cancels the other.
Love can be genuine while hurt is genuine too.
When independence feels like rejection
There comes a time when parenting must change.
The child who once needed instruction may now need respect for their independence.
Advice that was helpful at fifteen may feel intrusive at thirty-five.
The relationship has to evolve from:
Parent → Child
toward:
Adult → Adult
Sometimes parents struggle to make that transition.
Sometimes children do too.
Don’t begin with blame
If your adult child has become distant, avoid beginning with:
“After everything I’ve done for you…”
Guilt may produce a phone call.
It rarely produces closeness.
Instead, try:
“I miss you. I don’t want to pressure you, but I’d like us to be closer. Is there anything between us that I need to understand?”
And if an answer comes…
listen.
You do not have to agree with every memory.
But try to understand the feeling behind it.
And to the adult child…
Parents grow older too.
The strong hands that once carried you may eventually need yours.
If the relationship is safe enough to repair, do not allow pride or busyness to steal every remaining opportunity.
A five-minute call can mean very little to you…
and everything to someone waiting to hear your voice.
Dr Ben’s reflection
Perhaps there is no villain in many family stories.
Only people who loved each other but understood love differently.
Parents cannot return to childhood and change every mistake.
Adult children cannot recover every lost moment.
But both can change what happens next.
- So call.
- Listen.
- Apologise where necessary.
- And forgive the past
Create a new relationship—not based entirely on who you were twenty years ago, but on who you are today.
Because one day, the phone number you kept meaning to call…
may no longer answer.
NEXT SATURDAY — ISSUE NO. 9
When our parents grow old — The day the roles begin to reverse
One day, almost without noticing, the hands that once held ours begin reaching for us.
What happens when our strong parents become vulnerable — and children become caregivers?
Next Saturday, Love Forensic™ explores love, ageing, responsibility and one of life’s most emotional role reversals: when the people who once cared for us begin needing our care.
Dr Benfadzil Mohd Salleh
Forensic Psychologist | Founder, Benfadzil Academy
Hp: 0122350404
Email: drbenfadzil@gmail.com
Love Forensic™ — Understanding People • Strengthening Families • Building
Communities • Developing Nations
Dr Benfadzil Mohd Salleh is a senior practitioner and educator in the fields of forensic psychology, hypnotherapy, and behavioural studies. He is also consultant and founder of Benfadzil Academy. The views expressed here are his own and do not necessarily reflect those of Sarawak Tribune. He can be reached at drbenfadzil@gmail.com
