Have you ever noticed how some people seem to transform the moment they leave the office? Or how different they are when you bump into them during a leisurely weekend stroll?
I’m sure you’ve experienced this too. The quiet colleague who barely speaks during meetings suddenly becomes the funniest person at dinner. The manager who appears serious all week laughs freely over coffee on a Saturday morning. The reserved executive who keeps conversations short at work turns into an animated storyteller while sharing photos from a recent holiday. Even the workaholic manager reveals another side of herself, patiently teaching and spending time with her children.
It makes you wonder.
Which version is the real person?
This observation has stayed with me for years. Every weekend, I would see colleagues sharing moments of themselves enjoying café-hopping and good food, going on road trips, travelling overseas or simply spending time with the people they love. They seemed lighter, more expressive and more comfortable in their own skin. Most of the time, they also looked happier.
Yet these are rarely the people we meet from Monday to Friday. Given that we spend nearly one-third of our lives at work, it is surprising how little we sometimes know about the people sitting next to us or opposite us.
At first, I thought this was simply a matter of personality, where some people are naturally quieter at work.
But over time, I began to think it had less to do with personality and more to do with communication and the environment.
Undoubtedly, the workplace is filled with invisible pressures, from meeting tight deadlines and juggling workloads to trying to meet expectations, navigating workplace hierarchies or dealing with office politics.
Because of this, many workplace conversations become purely transactional.
“How’s the report coming along?”
“Can you join this meeting?”
“What’s the deadline?”
“Have you started working on this project?”
Gradually, communication becomes centred on tasks instead of people. However, those invisible barriers begin to disappear when people step outside the office.
At first, people are simply trying to break the ice and help everyone feel comfortable. But as time passes, they begin to let their guard down. Nobody worries about saying the wrong thing in front of senior management. Nobody feels the need to sound overly professional or protect their reputation. Conversations become more relaxed and more authentic.
The same person who contributed only a few words during a meeting suddenly shares stories, jokes and dreams over dinner.
It wasn’t that they had changed.
The environment had.
Perhaps this explains why some of our most meaningful conversations happen after office hours rather than inside the office.
It is also why I have always been a strong supporter of team-building activities and off-site meetings. Whenever someone asks for my opinion, my answer is almost always the same: if you’re going to build relationships, do it outside the office. Sometimes, changing the environment is the first step towards changing the conversation.
Filled with curiosity and wanting to validate my observation, I asked friends and colleagues whether they communicated differently at work than outside of work.
Almost everyone said yes.
Some admitted they stayed quiet because they did not want to be judged. Others said they were simply too overwhelmed with work to engage in conversations beyond what was necessary. A few shared that they intentionally separated their professional identity from their personal one, preferring to save their emotional energy for the people closest to them.
Their answers were different, but they all pointed to the same truth.
Communication is not just about having something to say. It is also about feeling safe enough to say it.
This reminded me of the concept of psychological safety, where it’s a belief that people can express themselves without fear of embarrassment, criticism or negative consequences. When people feel psychologically safe, they communicate more openly, ask more questions, share ideas freely and even admit mistakes without fear.
Ultimately, when you think about it, the challenge of communication isn’t learning how to speak better, but learning how to create environments where people feel safe enough to be themselves and speak openly.
Because sometimes, the colleague we’ve been working alongside for years is someone we’ve never truly met.
The views expressed here are those of the writer and do not necessarily represent the views of Sarawak Tribune. The writer can be reached at Shirley.suat@gmail.com.
