LOVE FORENSIC™ — PHASE VI, Issue No. 18
The Six Life Domains™ | The Work Domain
When you still have a job, but have lost the feeling that you belong
ONCE, you were proud to say where you worked. You spoke about your plans with excitement. You stayed late not because somebody forced you, but because you believed your effort meant something.
Today, you still wake up, put on your clothes and go to the same place. You do your work. You answer messages. You collect your salary. Yet somewhere between the morning traffic and the evening journey home, a quiet question keeps returning:
“Is this really what my life has become?”
I want to speak to the person who cannot explain this feeling to anyone. From the outside, you seem fortunate. You have employment, a position and responsibilities. People tell you to be grateful. And you are grateful. But gratitude does not automatically make emptiness disappear.
When the work is still there, but the heart is not
Sometimes meaning disappears slowly. The work that once challenged you becomes repetitive. Your ideas are no longer heard. Your contributions go unnoticed. A promotion you expected never comes. The organisation changes, and the values that drew you there no longer seem present.
Sometimes the loss is more personal. You have spent so many years meeting other people’s expectations that you no longer remember what you wanted for yourself.
At first, you tell yourself that this is simply adulthood. Everyone has to work. Everyone gets tired. You must be strong.
But there is a difference between accepting responsibility and feeling that your life has become nothing but responsibility.
The painful part is that you may continue to perform well while quietly feeling less connected to the person you used to be.
The questions we are afraid to ask
I have often wondered how many people sit in their cars before entering the office, not because they are late, but because they need a few moments to prepare themselves emotionally.
How many return home and tell their families, “I’m fine”, because they do not know how to describe the disappointment?
How many secretly fear that saying “I am unhappy with my work” will make them sound ungrateful?
Some people do not hate their jobs. They simply no longer recognise themselves inside them.
Perhaps you trained for one profession and life took you elsewhere. Perhaps you stayed because your children needed school fees, your parents needed care, or your family needed financial security. These are not small reasons. They are acts of responsibility and, often, love.
But the fact that you chose to sacrifice does not mean the sacrifice never hurts.
When success begins to feel strangely empty
We are taught to work hard, earn more, gain recognition and move forward. These can be worthwhile goals.
But imagine reaching the position you once dreamed about and discovering that you feel nothing. The certificate is framed. The title is printed on your name card. The congratulations arrive.
And then, the following Monday, the same heaviness returns.
Success is not always the same as satisfaction. Recognition is not always the same as belonging. A good salary is important, but it cannot answer every question about purpose.
Sometimes we have been climbing a ladder for years without asking whether it is leaning against the life we actually want.
Is it loss of meaning, burnout, or something more?
Here I want to be careful. Feeling disconnected from work does not automatically mean you have burnout or depression.
Burnout describes a work-related phenomenon associated with chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed; it is not a medical diagnosis. Depression, by contrast, may affect mood, interest, energy and functioning across many areas of life, not only at work.
Poor sleep, physical illness, medication effects, grief, financial strain and relationship problems can also change how work feels.
If sadness, hopelessness, loss of pleasure, sleep changes or difficulty functioning persist, please seek assessment from an appropriately qualified health professional. If you feel at risk of harming yourself, seek urgent local emergency help.
We should not reduce every painful experience to a label. Nor should we ignore warning signs simply because a person continues turning up for work.
The Love Forensic™ investigation
When someone tells me, “My work has no meaning anymore”, I would not immediately say, “Then resign.”
I would ask: When did this feeling begin? Was there a particular disappointment, loss or change? Is the work itself the problem, or the environment in which it is done? Are you exhausted, unsupported, underused or disconnected from your values?
I would ask what still brings even a small sense of satisfaction. Helping a customer? Solving a problem? Teaching a younger colleague? Being able to provide for your family?
And I would ask a question that often matters more than it first appears:
“If your job title disappeared tomorrow, what parts of you would still remain?”
Because a career is one part of identity. It should not be the only place where a person is allowed to feel valuable.
Do not make a permanent decision in a moment of pain
When work becomes emotionally heavy, resignation may feel like the only door out. For some people, leaving is indeed the right choice. For others, an impulsive decision may create new financial and family pressures.
Before deciding, separate what can change from what cannot. Could your duties be redesigned? Could you seek training, mentoring or a different team? Could you discuss workload or expectations? Is there a safer or healthier workplace available?
Consider your financial obligations, savings, employability and support system. Planning is not cowardice. It is a way of protecting the people who depend on you, including yourself.
And remember that finding meaning does not always require a dramatic career change. Sometimes it begins with recovering your voice, reconnecting with a purpose, or making room for a life beyond work.
When family notices before you do
A spouse may say, “You used to laugh more.” A child may ask, “Why are you always tired?” A friend may notice that you no longer talk about the things that once excited you.
These comments can sting because they reveal something we have been trying not to see.
If this sounds familiar, consider sharing a little more of the truth with someone you trust. You do not need a perfect explanation. You can begin with: “I have been feeling lost about work, and I don’t want to keep carrying it alone.”
Sometimes being heard does not solve the problem. But it can make the next decision feel less lonely.
Love Forensic™ action steps this week
Take a piece of paper and write three short answers: What is draining me? What still matters to me? What is one realistic change I can make within the next month?
Then ask whether you have been asking your job to provide everything: income, friendship, identity, self-worth and purpose.
Work may provide some of these. It need not provide all of them. Meaning can also grow through family, friendship, service, learning, faith, creativity and the simple act of being present for another person.
If your work situation cannot change immediately, your entire life does not have to remain on hold.
Dr Ben’s reflection – Before we leave the work domain
Over these past weeks, we have spoken about the mind that cannot leave the office, the nights when sleep refuses to come, the exhaustion of burnout, the colleague who drains you, the boss you fear, the betrayal of office politics and the family that waits while work takes more and more of your life.
Today, I want to end this chapter by speaking to the person beneath the job title.
I see the father who works overtime because he wants his children to have opportunities he never had. I see the mother who smiles at customers while carrying worries nobody knows about. I see the older worker who fears becoming irrelevant, and the younger worker who wonders whether this is all the future has to offer.
To each of you, I want to say: your effort matters. But so do you.
Please do not wait until retirement to give yourself permission to live. Do not wait until illness forces you to rest. Do not wait until the people you love stop asking for your time.
Your worth was never measured only by how useful you were to an organisation.
One day, somebody else may occupy your desk. Another name may appear on the office door. The emails will continue. The meetings will continue.
But the moments you could have shared with the people you love cannot simply be rescheduled.
So work with integrity. Build your future. Honour your responsibilities. But do not lose the person who is doing all that work.
Because at the end of the day, the question is not only, “What have I achieved?”
It is also, “Who have I become – and have I made room for the people and the life I love?”
A NEW CHAPTER BEGINS NEXT SATURDAY
DR BEN, WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Real Problems. Honest Opinions. Practical Advice.
A Love Forensic™ Life Advice Series
From next week, we move from the workplace to the difficult questions people carry in their homes and hearts—the questions they may be too embarrassed, frightened or confused to ask aloud.
ISSUE NO. 19 – “MY HUSBAND IS A DRUG ADDICT. SHOULD I STAY OR LEAVE?”
She loves the man she married. She fears the person addiction has sometimes made him become. There are promises, disappointments, children to consider, money to protect and a future she can no longer predict.
Is love enough? What does genuine recovery look like? When must safety come before reconciliation? And how can someone make a decision without being pressured by guilt or fear?
Next Saturday, we begin with compassion, clear questions and practical choices – because no reader should have to face a difficult life decision feeling completely alone.
If you were sitting in front of me today, what would you really want to ask?
● Dr Benfadzil Mohd Salleh | Forensic Psychologist | Founder, Benfadzil Academy; HP: 0122350404, Email: drbenfadzil@gmail.com
Love Forensic™ Understanding People • Strengthening Families • Building Communities • Developing Nations
The views expressed here are those of the writer and do not necessarily represent the views of Sarawak Tribune.
