The strange comfort of familiar pain
HAVE you ever caught yourself falling for the same type of person – again and again? Different face, same story. Different beginning, same ending.
People often say, “I don’t know why this keeps happening to me.” But in the world of Love Forensic™, we don’t call that fate – we call it ‘emotional patterning’.
In every failed relationship, there are clues – small emotional fingerprints that reveal what draws us to certain people and what traps us in familiar pain. The challenge is, we rarely investigate them. We just repeat them.
Emotional memory: The invisible script
Every human being carries an invisible script written by their past.
It begins in childhood – the way love was shown (or withheld), how affection felt, how conflict was handled, and how attention was earned.
That early experience becomes what psychologists call a “love blueprint”. We unconsciously recreate it in our adult relationships, trying to “finish the story” we never resolved.
If your parents were emotionally distant, you may be drawn to people who are emotionally unavailable – not because you like the pain, but because part of you still wants to “win” the affection you never got.
If you grew up always pleasing others to feel safe, you might keep choosing partners who take more than they give.
It’s not self-destruction. Its ’emotional familiarity’ – the heart’s way of trying to heal old wounds by repeating them.
The forensic evidence of repetition
When we look at relationships forensically, patterns reveal themselves through three clues:
1.The Type – The kind of people you attract or are drawn to.
2.The Trigger – The emotion that feels most intense at the start (often mistaken for “chemistry”).
3.The Endgame – The way the relationship collapses or repeats.
In most cases, these clues are consistent.
If your last three relationships ended with you feeling unappreciated, ignored, or anxious – that’s not coincidence: that’s evidence.
The heart may change partners, but the mind often keeps playing the same psychological film – just with a new actor.
Why chemistry can be a warning sign
We love to say, “There was instant chemistry.”
But in forensic terms, that spark is often the emotional recognition of something ‘familiar’, not necessarily something ‘healthy’.
The brain releases dopamine (the feel-good hormone) when it recognises a familiar emotional pattern – even if that pattern once caused pain.
That is why some people say, “It just felt right”, even when logic said otherwise.
What feels “right” is sometimes just what feels “known”, and what feels known can be what once hurt you.
The psychology behind repetition
Freud once called this phenomenon “the compulsion to repeat”. It is the unconscious drive to relive painful experiences, hoping this time we’ll master or fix them.
But love doesn’t work that way. You can’t heal the past by recreating it – you can only heal by recognising it.
That is why awareness is the first step of all emotional healing. When you finally see the pattern, you stop acting it out – and start understanding it.
Breaking the loop: The forensic way
Here is the Love Forensic™ approach to ending repeated love mistakes:
- Investigate your attraction.
When you feel instant chemistry, pause and ask: “What does this remind me of?” If the answer feels familiar – emotionally or painfully – proceed with awareness, not blindness. - Label the pattern, not the person.
Don’t rush to blame your partner or yourself. Identify the behaviour – control, avoidance, silence, neediness – and trace where it began. - Redefine what feels like ‘home’.
Many people mistake tension for excitement, and peace for boredom. Learn to rewire your heart so that calm, respect, and emotional safety ‘become your new chemistry’. - Create a stop signal.
The next time you sense a familiar red flag, literally say to yourself: “This feels familiar – not safe.” That single line can interrupt years of unconscious repetition. - Seek emotional correction, not perfection.
The goal is not to find the perfect partner – it’s to stop repeating the same emotional mistake with different people.
From awareness to empowerment
Breaking the cycle doesn’t mean rejecting love – it means loving smarter. It means understanding that self-awareness is not coldness; it’s self-protection.
Once you see the evidence of your own emotional habits, you can rewrite them. You begin to choose love from clarity, not from history. You stop falling for patterns and start rising into purpose.
As I often tell my clients: you can’t heal what you don’t acknowledge – but once you see the pattern, you’re already halfway free.
Dr Ben’s reflection
Love is not a test you keep failing – it’s a lesson you keep revisiting until you learn it.
Every mistake carries data. Every heartbreak leaves evidence. When you learn to read that evidence, love becomes less about luck – and more about understanding.
Next week in Love Forensic™: “When love turns into pain”
Why does something that begins beautifully end in emotional control and silence?
Next week, we investigate how affection slowly turns into possession, and how to recognise emotional manipulation before it steals your peace.
Stay with Love Forensic™ as we continue the journey: Pattern → Awareness → Protection.
● Dr Benfadzil Mohd Salleh, Forensic Psychologist & Founder of Benfadzil Academy, (Love Forensic™ – Where Science Meets Emotion) Kuching, Sarawak.
The views expressed here are those of the writer and do not necessarily represent the views of Sarawak Tribune.
