The Question No One Asks Out Loud
Many people are not trapped in unhappy relationships.
They are attached to them.
They wake up knowing something is wrong yet stay.
They feel lonely even when partnered yet remain.
They complain, rationalise, hope – but do not leave.
And the most painful truth is this:
Staying is often not about love – it is about fear, conditioning, and emotional survival.
In Love Forensic™, we don’t judge staying.
We investigate why it feels safer than leaving.
The Illusion of “At Least”
One of the most powerful psychological traps is the “at least” mindset:
•“At least I’m not alone.”
•“At least they don’t cheat.”
•“At least this is familiar.”
The brain prefers predictable discomfort over uncertain freedom.
This is called loss aversion – we fear losing what we know more than we value what we could gain.
Unhappiness becomes tolerable when it is familiar.
Attachment Wounds That Anchor Us
Many people stay because leaving triggers deeper fears than staying ever does.
Childhood attachment experiences shape adult tolerance for emotional pain:
•If love once felt inconsistent, unpredictability feels normal.
•If affection had to be earned, unequal relationships feel acceptable.
The relationship may hurt – but it feels known.
In forensic terms, this is emotional imprinting – the nervous system clinging to what it recognises, even when it hurts.
Hope as a Psychological Glue
Hope is beautiful – but in the wrong context, it becomes a trap.
People stay because they believe:
•“They will change.”
•“Things will get better after this phase.”
•“I just need to try harder.”
Hope delays action.
It keeps people emotionally invested in a future that may never arrive.
In Love Forensic™, we distinguish between informed hope and denial disguised as optimism.
The Fear of Being the ‘Bad One’
Another powerful reason people stay unhappy is moral guilt.
They fear:
•Hurting the other person
•Being seen as selfish
•Disrupting family stability
•Failing social or cultural expectations
So they silence their pain to preserve harmony.
But suppressed pain doesn’t disappear – it turns inward, often becoming anxiety, depression, or resentment.
The Sunk Cost Fallacy of Love
“I’ve invested so many years.”
“We’ve been through so much.”
“I don’t want everything to be wasted.”
This is a classic cognitive bias known as the sunk cost fallacy – continuing something because of past investment rather than future wellbeing.
But time spent is not a reason to continue suffering.
History alone does not justify endurance.
When Staying Feels Safer Than Leaving
Leaving requires:
•Emotional courage
•Identity restructuring
•Facing uncertainty
•Rebuilding self-trust
Staying requires endurance – which many people have mastered.
That’s why unhappiness can feel strangely safer than freedom.
Freedom demands responsibility for one’s own happiness.
The Forensic Turning Point: Awareness
Change begins not with leaving, but with clarity.
Ask yourself honestly:
•Do I feel emotionally safe here?
•Am I growing or shrinking?
•Is my hope based on evidence or wishful thinking?
You don’t need answers immediately.
But asking the right questions begins emotional liberation.
Leaving vs. Letting Go
Not everyone who realises these truths must leave immediately.
But everyone must stop abandoning themselves.
Sometimes, the first act of courage is not walking away – it’s stopping the internal justification of pain.
When you stop explaining away your unhappiness, your nervous system begins to wake up.
The Quiet Truth
People don’t stay because they are weak.
They stay because they are loyal, hopeful, and emotionally conditioned.
But love should not require you to betray your own wellbeing.
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Dr Ben’s Reflection
Staying in an unhappy relationship is not a failure of strength.
It is often a survival strategy learned too early and questioned too late.
Healing begins the moment you stop asking “Why can’t I leave?”
and start asking “Why am I tolerating this?”
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Next Week in Love Forensic™
“When Love Ends – How to Leave Without Losing Yourself”
How do you detach with dignity, clarity, and emotional safety?
Next Saturday, we explore healthy endings, grief, and rebuilding identity after love – without bitterness or regret.
Journey Continues: Attachment → Awareness → Liberation
● Dr Benfadzil Mohd Salleh, Forensic Psychologist & Founder of Benfadzil Academy (Love Forensic™ – Where Science Meets Emotion), Kuching, Sarawak. H/P: 0122350404; Email: drbenfadzil@gmail.com
The views expressed here are those of the writer and do not necessarily represent the views of Sarawak Tribune.
