Bullying is increasingly making headlines in Malaysia, raising concerns among parents, teachers and communities. But what happens when the child doing the bullying is your own?
Bullying is aggressive behaviour that is intentional, hurtful and repeated. It often involves an imbalance of power, with one or more children harassing, taunting, rejecting or physically attacking another. Children who bully may be seeking power or control over others.
Bullying can take different forms. Direct bullying includes hitting, punching, slapping, pushing, pulling, pinching or making physical threats. Indirect bullying, which can be harder to detect, can be equally damaging. It includes verbal abuse, racial remarks, social exclusion and cyberbullying, all of which can have lasting emotional and psychological effects.
If we discover that our child is bullying others, the first step is to acknowledge the behaviour rather than deny or minimise it. At the same time, it is important to separate the child’s identity from their actions. A child may have made a harmful choice, but that does not mean they are inherently a bad person.
Look beyond the behaviour
Why do children bully? In some cases, bullying can be a way of expressing hurt, insecurity or difficulties that a child does not know how to communicate. They may be struggling with problems at home, challenges at school, difficulties within their social circles or pressure from their peers.
Bullying can also become a defence mechanism when a child feels threatened or insecure. Constant exposure to physical or verbal violence in a child’s immediate environment can be another risk factor.
Understanding these underlying issues does not excuse bullying. Rather, it helps parents address the reasons behind the behaviour while teaching their child to take responsibility for their actions.
When we name it, we can address it
The long-term goal should be to help children develop emotional resilience and healthier ways of responding to life’s challenges.
Parents can begin by using the S.H.O.R.T. approach to address the immediate situation:
Speak to your child
Start a calm conversation. Ask your child how they are feeling and what may be troubling them.
Possible underlying emotions or issues could include resentment, fear of losing someone important, insecurity about their identity or confusion about their beliefs and values.
Help your child
Help them recognise and name their emotions. Are they angry, afraid or sad? Understanding their feelings can give children a sense of control and help them realise that there are healthier ways to deal with difficult situations.
For example, a child may realise, “I am feeling sad because I felt rejected at school.” Parents can then help reinforce the child’s sense of identity and remind them that they are loved, accepted and valued.
Observe their behaviour
Pay attention to changes in your child’s behaviour. Are they becoming unusually withdrawn, aggressive or easily angered?
Observing these changes can provide an opportunity to start a conversation about what they are experiencing.
Relationship building
Build a relationship based on trust and mutual respect. Children are more likely to listen when they feel understood and connected to their parents.
Rules and discipline are important, but they are more effective when supported by a strong relationship.
Time to be invested
Strong relationships require time and genuine interest. Spend quality time together as a family and create opportunities for children to talk openly about their experiences.
When children trust their parents, they are more likely to seek help when they encounter difficulties, helping to build emotional stability.
Be the example
Preventing bullying does not end with addressing one incident. Parents also have an important role in shaping the values children carry into school and their wider social circles.
A positive home environment built on love, respect, integrity and compassion can teach children how to treat others. When children learn empathy, patience and responsibility, these qualities can benefit them far beyond the classroom.
Ultimately, children look to adults for examples of how to handle conflict, mistakes and difficult emotions. Parents cannot make every decision for their children, but they can show them how to take responsibility, learn from their mistakes and choose a better response.
The message should be clear: bullying is never an acceptable way to deal with life’s challenges.
