THERE is always a last to everything… The last time you see a person, the last time you held her hands and the last time you embraced her. For Gerald Goh, the very last time he bid farewell to his wife was in 2017 — and this opened many firsts for him.
Married with two children, Goh’s late wife, Isabella Kong fought pancreatic cancer for three years. Describing those moments of dread, he said that it was a strange time in life, where one lived with hope while quietly preparing for the worst.
“So when the moment came, it was painful but not unfamiliar. It was a reality we had already been slowly walking towards,” he said.
Optimistic by nature, he stayed strong throughout the funeral procession, handling it with much care and thoughtfulness. He knew what was bound to happen, though time is life’s biggest foe. But after all that was done, Goh recalled entering their home without her on the day Kong was buried.
Carrying his daughter on his arm, and holding his son on the other, he stood at the front door of his home.
“When we reached the door, no one was inside to open it for us. That silence and absence was the moment I realised that it’s really just us now. I tried reaching for the door but I was unable to open it. My mind was blank,” he said.
With the three of them at the door of their home, Goh shared that it was his son who calmly reached into his pocket to grab the key and opened the door. Though he usually maintained a steady composure, the realisation that his wife was no longer around had left him vulnerable.
“When my son finally unlocked the door and let us in, it was then I realised that I wasn’t completely left with nothing. At least, I still had my precious children. I thought that I was still happier than others. When the door opened, we stepped in, with courage,” he said.
But this first was among the many firsts that he had to learn to live with. Strangely, he said, the first few months were calm.
His wife’s fight against cancer had prepared him for the worst, he conceded. The days after the funeral went by with Goh doing what needed to be done, walking each day step by step.
Although nine years had passed, he revealed that he had never got used to her absence.
“One thing that I have never gotten over was the instinct to hold her hand. We used to hold hands all the time, walking, sitting, sleeping, and even after arguments. That simple act of love, I still do feel the urge to do it, even now.”
Raising the children on his own
Throughout the nine years, he has gained many merits and has worn many hats. Among the hats that he wore was as a student undertaking a Master of Arts in Universiti Malaysia Sarawak (UNIMAS).
To be a student again even as he passed his 50s, he said, was to better understand his children as students of this era and grow alongside them.
“As a father, I strive to be present, not just as a parent, but also as their friend. My children and I are one. It’s a bond built on understanding, trust and simply being there for each other,” he said.
He also talked about the days when he had to raise his daughter through her puberty years. As a father, Goh said there were many things that he didn’t know or understand.
However, with the access to information made easier today by our digital devices, Goh was able to learn, adapt and somehow, got it through together with her.
“I also had help from my sisters and friends and their support was important during these phases too.”
Though there were days when it was hard on him, Goh never allowed himself to give up. To him, it was never an option to consider. He knew that his children needed him, and that alone was enough to keep him going.
And when night falls, each night before he goes to bed, he makes sure he hugs them and wishes them goodnight.
“I used to be a naive artist, exploring life within the realm of imagination and creativity. Today, I am more grounded. I’ve learned to balance fantasy with reality, emotion with responsibility.
“My children have taught me to smile again and for that, I continue to be the person I once was — kind, open and always ready to help others,” he said.
Despite it all, there are days when Goh would look back at those days with Kong by his side.
Some days may be difficult but on most days, Goh has found the courage to move on and live forward with the memory of his wife. Today, he is a profound person, always helping the community. In him, his love for Kong lives on.
